


Unbreak My Heart

by FlightoftheFantasies



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Married Life, Non-Graphic Violence, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-10-02 09:07:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17261447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlightoftheFantasies/pseuds/FlightoftheFantasies
Summary: One last mission is what he promised, one last mission and he would be home forever. But when would this mission end? When will he come home to you? Will he even come home?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoy it. It has been awhile since I wrote a series so hopefully you enjoy it!

12 Months Ago

“Doll, everything will be fine. It’s just a simple mission, in and out. I’ll be back before you know it.” Bucky says with a smile.

You try to return the smile, but failed, the worry you feel overpowers any optimism Bucky has. Especially when your heart fills heavy and your stomach is in knots.

“You say everything will be alright but I just have this gut feeling that something isn’t right. Something bad is going to happen. Please, don’t go.” You plead with him, holding tight to his hands.

Bucky lets out a sigh, pulling you to him, “Doll, I love you, but I don’t think you should be listening to your gut right now. It could just be one of the babies using your insides as a punching bag.”

He chuckles as you slap his chest, 

“Bucky be serious!” you whine, but lean into him more.

He laughs right out, placing a kiss on the crown of your head. “Sorry Doll, but seriously, stop worrying.”

“But I am worried. You have been acting weird lately and won’t talk to me; I’m due in a month, less than since I’m carrying twins. I don’t want you to miss the birth of our babies, yet you insist on going out on as many missions as possible in a short amount of time.”

A serious face comes over Bucky’s face, “I know, but I’m doing this for you, for the babies, for us. This is my last mission, I swear to you. After this, I’m done, no more missions, I’ll be retired for good and all my attention will be completely on you and our children.”

You feel tears rolling down your cheeks, cupping his face in your hands. 

“Just come home to me Bucky, please. I need you to come home to me.”

Bucky dips his head, giving you the most passionate and love filled kiss he has ever given you before; making your body light, your heart ready to explode. The ringing of his cell phone puts an end to the kiss much too soon,

He pulls back, nuzzling his nose against yours, “I’ve gotta go Doll. But I’ll be home before our little ones make their grand entrance. I love you.”

“I love you too.” You say with a hint of a smile.

Bucky gives you one last dashing smile before grabbing his duffle bag and heading out the door. 

You let out a sigh, collapsing to the sofa, rubbing your belly as one of the babies gives a harsh kick to your side, “It’s okay babies. Daddy will be home soon. He promised, and he always keeps his promises.”

Outside the door, Bucky runs a hand down his face, trying to keep the tears at bay. Steve places a hand on his shoulder,

“You sure you want to do this pal? You can always back out and not go through with it.” 

Bucky shakes his head, “No Steve, I gotta. It’s, it’s for the best. But promise me, you’ll be here for her, for the babies. No matter what.”

Steve gives a reluctant nod, “I promise Pal. I’ll always look after them, no matter what.” 

“Thanks Steve. Now come on, it’s time to go.”

\-------------------------

The weeks go on and there is no word from Bucky, nothing at all. And though you want to worry, get upset, you can’t. You have bigger problems on your hands.

“AHHH! FUCK!” you screams fill the room.

One of the nurses holds your hand tight, “You’re doing great. Just one more push. You can do it!” 

You shake your head, “No, no I can’t. I can’t push anymore… I can’t…”

You fall back to the bed, tears streaming down your face. The nurse glances at the doctor who shakes his head, 

“The baby isn’t moving. The other one isn’t moving, we need to prep her for a c-section. If not then…”

“I’ll stay with her.” She says, cutting the doctor off before he can say something to upset you more.

The room moves into a mad dash, trying to get everything ready to move you to the operating room. The nurse stays with you, wiping her head, whispering softly to you to try and keep you calm,

“It will be alright, everything will be alright. This isn’t the first difficult birth we’ve seen or dealt with. You and your babies will be fine. Is there someone I can call for you? Someone you want here with you?”

You shake your head, crying “No… no one.” 

Time ticks by, you’re not sure how long; times seems to go by in a flash as well as slow to a halt. The doctor and nurses work fast to deliver the babies before there can be any more complications. Before you can hear the cries of your babies, darkness takes over and you are off to a dreamless sleep, leaving your children in the capable hands of the doctors and nurses before you are able to get up and care for them yourself. Take care of them on the promise that they will always have you. Even if they don’t have Bucky.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Reading!!!!

*Ten Months Ago*

"Shh… it's okay Jamie, Mama's got you. I know, you hate having a being changed, but you gotta have one. You were a dirty little boy. Oh, come on now, don't kick Mama while she's getting you clean, it'll just take even longer."

Little Jamie lets his lower lip wobble, big tears filling up in his eyes ready to let loose again. But with your soothing voice talking to him the whole time, he calms down just enough for you to get his bath over with quickly. You get him out, dried and dressed before he can have another tantrum.

"There we go my little boy, all clean and warm. Let's go put you with your sister, hmm?"

You hold him close, carrying him to the living room,

"Are you done torturing the poor thing?" a soft male voice asks with a slight laugh to his voice.

"Yes, poor thing had to endure the worse torture possible, getting a clean diaper. And how is little Becca?" you ask, moving over so you can see your daughter.

The little girl is in her swing, wide awake and cooing at the mobile hanging over the swing. You put Jamie in his own swing, smiling down at your little ones. The moment they realize they are next to each other, they have their own little conversation in a language only they understand. You smile at your babies before standing up and facing the young man next to you,

"Thank you for helping me Peter. You have been a big help to me."

Peter's face turns a light pink, "Yeah well, I couldn't just leave you alone. As sweet and cute as they are, Jamie and Becca are a handful. Plus, I love helping out."

You laugh at him, "Yeah they are. Thanks anyway, let me get my purse to pay you and then you can head on home."

"Okay. Oh! Aunt May wanted me to ask you if you wanted to come by this weekend? I think she just wants to see the babies."

You laugh, "Probably. Yeah sure, I'll check and see when would work and then give her a call."

"Okay I'll tell her." Peter says with a grin, "You might want to watch out though I still think she is out to kidnap one of the twins."

"Well if one of them goes missing, I'll know who to come after."

You both share a laugh which is cut short by the sound of someone knocking on the door.

You cock your head, with a confused look on your face.

"Were you expecting anyone Y/N?"

"No… not that I remember. Who could it be at this hour?"

You head to the door, Peter following close behind you, ready to protect you if needed.

"Hell…o…Steve? Oh my God…"


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might be a little sorry for this chapter. Just a little bit.

"Holy crap! Y/N! It's freaking Captain America! Captain America is standing at your front door!" Peter exclaims excitedly , nearly vibrating.

"Hi, Cap… Mr. Rogers, big fan! I'm Peter Parker and…"

Clearly Peter cannot grasp that this isn't a happy moment.

"Peter. I think it's time for you to go home. Steve and I need to talk."

The smile drops from Peter's face, "Oh, uh, yeah. I'll uh, I'll just go. Bye Y/N, see you tomorrow?"

You nod, giving him the best smile you can muster up, "Yeah, tomorrow. Bye Peter."

Steve moves to the side, letting Peter out, smiling at the young boy with a nod of his head who is still staring up at him wide-eyed and star struck. You laugh, knowing that as soon as Peter thinks he's far enough away he was going to have a major fan moment. You might even be able to hear him from inside the apartment. 

The smile instantly falls from your face as you meet Steve's somber gaze once more. You sigh, stepping to the side, to let him in and shutting the door behind him.

"Would you like something to eat? Drink? I don't have beer, I don't keep that in the house anymore, or wine. But I have water, sodas, juice, um…"

"Y/N."

His soft voice cuts off your rambling. You look into his big blue, soulful eyes and shake your head,

"No, no. I know what you are going to say and no!"

You cover your face with your hands. Tears fill your eyes and you are on the verge of a breakdown but try to keep it together. Steve takes a step towards you, wrapping you in his arms and holding you close,

"I'm so sorry… I'm sorry."

You let out a heart breaking cry; your legs give out from under you as you just collapse in to Steve.

"He promised! He promised me! He was going to come back; he has to come back Steve! I told him not to go, I begged him not to go! Why?! Why did he have to leave me?!"

You scream and cry your heart out, pounding your fist against Steve's chest. He holds you tighter, burying his face in your hair. He continues to say how sorry he is.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have let him go. I should have made him stay. For you, for the babies. God, I'm so sorry."

"I need him Steve, I need him. How am I supposed to raise two babies without their daddy? They need him Steve. We all need Bucky home. He can't be dead… he can't. Please, please tell me it's not true."

Steve chokes back a sob, sliding to the floor and pulling you into his lap rocking you both. You sit there mourning for a friend, a love, a husband, a man who meant more to the both of you than anyone could ever comprehend.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last update for the week. Chapter 4 won't be posted until Monday!

*Four Months Ago*

"You don't need to do this Steve; we are perfectly fine here. There is no need for us to move." You argue, crossing your arms.

Steve stops putting stuff in a box, looking at you with hands on his hips,

"Y/N, we've talked about this. You need more room with the twins getting bigger…"

"They're five months Steve, they aren't even crawling yet. There is still time for me to save up and buy a house for the three of us. We don't need to move into the compound with you."

Steve sighs, "You would be safer there,"

"Safer from who Steve? Who would be coming to hurt us Steve? I'd think we'd be more at risk at the compound, LIVING with the people who the bad guys are really after."

"But that's just it, there would be more people to look after you and protect the twins. You know Natasha and Wanda would just love having the twins there. And Tony said he'd remodel two suits into one to give you more room, double what you have now. You'd have access to FRIDAY and…"

"Steve! Stop, you have said all of this. And as nice as it would be, I don't want to move to the compound. I don't want to raise the twins in that atmosphere. If I can prevent it, I'm going to keep the twins from a life that took their father, my husband, and your best friend away from us."

Steve deflates, shoulder drops hands fall by his sides, "Y/N…"

You hold up a hand, to stop him from continuing that sentence, "No," you say, pointing a finger at him with a stern voice, "do not say you are sorry. I told you there is nothing for you to be sorry for. Bucky… Bucky made his choice. And it is a choice we all have to live with now."

Your voice starts to break talking about Bucky. Five months and the loss still hurts, probably always will; but thanks to Steve, Peter , May and your other friends, the pain is starting to easy. But there are still nights you lie in bed and cry yourself to sleep; missing his warmth, the way he would hold you as if life depended on it, missing the sound of his voice, everything. You miss everything about Bucky.

Steve moves closer to you, bringing you to the sofa wraps you up in a warm, comforting hug, "Okay, I won't say sorry. But I had promised him, before every mission, Buck always made me promise that I'd take care of you is something were to happen. I want to make sure I keep that promise."

You shake your head at him, "Don't, don't promise something like that when there is a chance of the promise being broken. I want no more promises, ever. Bucky always made promises… no more promises."

You bury your face in Steve's neck, no longer able to hold back the tears. You cling to Steve as a lifeline, soaking his shirt with your tears.

Steve mumbles something under his breath that sounds close to a curse, running his hand and down your back trying to sooth you and calm you down.

"Shh, please don't cry Y/N, you'll get me crying and we both know I'm an ugly crier."

This gets a weak, choked laugh out of you, "Yeah, you're just hideous."

"See, glad we agree." He jokes, doing his damnedest to get you to smile.

"Hey, look at my Y/N," he tilts your head, cupping your cheeks to wipe your cheeks dry of tears, "I will keep this promise, I swear it to you Y/N. Whether or not I am here, out of country or dead, you and the twins will ALWAYS be taken care of and protected. I will make sure of it. I'm not making a promise to always be here, because even I know I can't keep that promise. But I am promising you that you will never need or want for anything, will always be safe, and most of all, you will always be loved."

You are honestly speechless. The look in his eyes tell you that he is as serious as he can be, completely honest, and there is something else there in his eyes, something that you can't quite figure out. But you notice his eyes move from your, over your face and locking on your lips. You freeze, unsure if you should pull away or see what he is going to do.

Is he going to kiss you? Is this just a hint at what he means by loved, he is just tempted but not willing to make a move. Do you want him to make a move? Are you even in the right state to allow him to make a move? Oh God.

"Steve…" his name nothing more than a whisper on his lips before…


	5. Chapter 4

Suddenly the wails of an extremely unhappy baby rings out, shocking you and Steve out of your trance. You jerk away almost as if his touch burns your skin. Tears fill up in your eyes, and you start repeating,

"No, no, no-no-no-no…"

Standing, you try to put as much space between you and Steve as possible without actually leaving the room. All you can say is "No," shaking your head in denial of what almost happened. You're almost on the verge of panic, feeling almost sick to your stomach.

"Y/N?" Steve hesitates in speaking and moving, cautious to not send you over the edge of a full panic attack.

Slowly, he stands, holding his hands up as if dealing with a rabid animal who is ready to attack, "Y/N, you need to calm down. It's going to be okay, nothing happened."

"But something almost did happen Steve?! How can it be okay? I, I almost kissed you! Bucky has only been dead for a few months and, and I almost kissed you!"

He lets out a long breath, "Y/N, nothing happened. There is no reason for you to get worked up like this. Please calm down before you pass out. "

He tries to take a step closer to you, but you just scramble backwards, arms wrapped around your middle for protection.

Another loud cry breaks out, more pissed off than before. You glance between the nursery door and Steve. Yes, babies come first; have to take care of the babies.

"You, you need to leave." You tell him with a wobble in your voice.

"Let me help with…"

"No." you cut him off, "you need to go. I can take care of Jamie and Becca on my own. And I, I need some space from you right now. So please, just, just go."

Turning on your heel, you rush to the nursery and slam the door shut hoping he gets the point that you don't want him around.

Steve can only stand there, watching you run away from him in complete disbelief. This was not how he though the day would end. Also he never imagined he would want to kiss you, but he does. He wasn't even thinking of kissing you in the moment, but it just… happened. And now everything is even more complicated.

"Fuck," Steve hisses, kicking the sofa, "Bucky, I'm just fucking this all up, making a mess of everything I don't know how I'm going to fix it."


	6. Chapter 5

*Two Months ago*

You let out a sigh, looking in the closet. The closet is mostly dominated but Bucky's clothes and shoes, the dresser still hold most of his cologne, hair ties. In short, your bedroom and bathroom is basically a shrine to Bucky because you have not touched anything since finding out he died. But because of that, you haven't been sleeping in here, moving into the guest room. It was one thing to sleep in the bed you shared with Bucky when you thought he was just off on a mission. But it just didn't feel right being in here without him.

"You know, no one is making you do this Y/N" May comments from the bed.

You glace back at her over your shoulder, "I know, but…"

"But you think if you don't you'll never move on?" she prompts.

You nod and turn back to the closet, "Yeah. If I keep his stuff hanging up, and untouched it is just saying that I'm still expecting him to come home. I don't like it, but I think I've finally accepted that Bucky isn't coming back. He's gone."

You hear May get up from the bed and wrapping you in a side hug, "It'll be okay. I know it feels like it won't but I promise, eventually it will be."

You squeeze her hand, giving her a small smile, "Thank you May."

"Come on, while Peter is still able to occupy the twin."

You and May get to work on packing up all of Bucky's things and putting them in boxes. You did decide to leave a couple of his things out, some of your absolute favorite things that you just can't bear to put away. Not yet anyway.

Once everything was packed up, Peter helped carry the boxes up to the attic to store them until you decide what the next step is to do with it all.

May and Peter stay for a while longer, mostly because May wanted to make sure you were alright after putting away Bucky's things. She even volunteers to help you cook while Peter watches over the twins. Besides how emotional it was to clean out the master bedroom, having May and Peter was enough of a distraction that you spent the rest of the evening laughing, talking, and just feeling more like your old self than you have in a long time.

That is until Peter pops up with this question,

"Y/N, I wanted to ask you earlier but kind of forgot. Where is Captain America? I thought he might be here today. I mean, Bucky was his best friend; wouldn't he want to help out with this? Didn't you say he said he would help out and take care of you guys? So where is he?"

"Peter." May hisses at him with a narrowing of her eyes.

He shrugs, looking at her like he doesn't know what he said wrong. You look down at the glass in our hands and sigh,

"It's okay May. Um, Steve and I aren't really on talking terms right now."

"What?!" Peter exclaims, visibly upset by your answer, "Why? What happened? Did he hurt you? Did he do something to upset you or the twins? I'll fight him if I have too. Do I have to fight him?"

His response has you laughing so hard tears spill down your cheeks. "Oh Peter, I love you sweet boy. But as many fights as you might get in at school, I don't think you stand a chance against Steve."

Peter huffed, crossing his arms, "I could take him. I bet Spiderman could take him too." He mumbled under his breath.

You shake your head at him, but you miss the way May glares at him and lightly kicks his leg under the table, silently telling him to hush.

"But no, you don't have to get beat up by Steve. Though he might teach you too fight, you'd probably remind him of himself before he was a super soldier."

May puts a hand on your shoulder, "Then what happened? Why aren't you two talking? I know that you had gotten close lately."

You sigh, "It's not a big deal. I freaked out about something and after having time to calm down I realized that I may have overreacted slightly. I'm just too embarrassed to talk to him after that."

"And how long has it been since this overreaction?" May asks, giving you the classic "mom" look.

"Two months?"

"Y/N, two months, really? You might say it was an overreaction, but I'm guessing it is more to it than that if you haven't talked to him in two months. Do you want to explain more?"

You shake your head, "No, not really. Because I'm pretty sure you would say the same thing I've told myself. That it meant nothing, just a moment caused by high emotions and I was projecting my want for Bucky back to Steve who in the moment I wasn't seeing him I was seeing Bucky."

May blinks and Peter scratches the back of his head, "What?"

"Nothing, never mind. It was nothing."

May nods, "Okay then, why not call him? He is Jamie and Becca's godfather, he was your husband's best friend and a very good friend to you. I might not know Steve, but I'm sure going this long without talking to your or seeing the twins, it has to be killing him, just like it has to be hurting you. Call him, talk to him."


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on updating. No excuse I was just being lazy with the snow storm we got over the weekend.

You sit there staring at your phone, trying to work up the courage to pick it up and call Steve. May's words are still ringing in your ears nearly two weeks later. You know that she is right; two months is just too long to go without talking to him. It's unfair to him to keep him away from Becca and Jamie just because you are having a mental breakdown.

"What do you think little ones? Should Mommy call Uncle Steve? Hmm?"

Becca just looked at you with those big eyes and blows bubbles, a trick she recently rediscovered, and laughes. Jamie just babbles around a cold teething ring.

You laugh, shaking your head, "Yeah, thanks. You two are so helpful. But what do I expect from babies who are almost 8 months. Guess I just need to suck it up and be a grown up, can't keep avoiding him. He has a right to be in your lives, and like May said, you guys are his last connection to Bucky, just like he is our last connection to your Daddy. We need each other. Keep Bucky's memory alive."

You take a deep breath and pick up your phone, "Here goes nothing."

Hitting Steve's name, you listen as the phone rings, your heart pounding in your chest as you wait for him to pick up.

"Hey, this is Steve, can't come to the phone right now, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

You let out a, half relieved and half disappointed,

"H-Hey Steve, it's uh Y/N. I'm, I'm sorry about not, not calling sooner. Um, I was wondering if you'd like to meet me and the twins at the park this weekend? Uh, yeah, call me. Bye."

Tossing the phone to the table, you groan and put your head in your hands. Well, ball is in his court now. You made the first move for opening up communication, even if it is last. Now all you can do is just wait and see if he reciprocates the effort made. Taking a deep breath, you sit up straight and smile at the twins,

"Okay little ones, how about we go have some lunch?"

After lunch, you pass the day playing with the twins and getting some work done while they nap. Overall, it is a normal day for you, Jamie, and Becca. But the whole day you are constantly checking your phone for any word from Steve. You know that he has to be busy, and that perhaps he will call tonight. However, in the back of your mind, you can't help but let the more negative thoughts take over.

What if he doesn't want to speak to you or have anything more to do with the twins because of how you flipped out on him? What if he took you saying you needed space as you no longer wanted him in your lives? Both scenarios terrify you because you don't want to lose Steve, you never wanted to lose Steve. You just wanted a chance to get your thoughts straight but then once you calmed down was too embarrassed to talk to him again. You can't bear the thought of being the reason your children no longer have their godfather in their lives.

The worst thought though is one you do not allow yourself to think until after Jamie and Becca are in the bed and you are alone in your room.

What if, what if Steve went out on a mission and isn't going to come back? Just like Bucky. That thought gives you a sinking, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. It doesn't sit right with you, thinking about losing Steve in a similar way to Bucky, no you don't like it one bit. You have to get in touch with Steve, you have to make things right, and you can't lose him to a mission. You don't know how you might handle that.

The ringing of your cell phone makes you jump, nearly falling off the bed. Scrambling across the bed, you grab the phone as fast as you can,

"Hello?"

"Hey, Y/N, it's uh, it's Steve."

Your body instantly relaxes at the sound of his voice, "Steve…"


	8. Chapter 7

*Now*

"Y/N, their birthday isn't for another two months; you don't need to be planning their party yet."

"Yes I do. Do you know how much can go into planning out a party? Picking and reserving a place, food, decorations…"

"Y/N" Steve cuts you off, "it's their first birthday. They are not going to remember it."

You look down at your tablet, "Yeah, but I will, so will you. I know they aren't really going to care about everything going on except for cake and tearing paper. Fine, I'm doing this mostly to be a little selfish. I want to throw them this big party because it's their first birthday; the first is always more for the parents then the babies. And it's not like I'm going to go overboard. Like I saw something about a woman having a carnival in her backyard for her daughter's first birthday; that's a bit much. I just want it to be special."

Steve smiles at you, "Okay, then we will make it special, but not go over the top." He pauses, thinking for a moment, "A carnival for a one year old? Really?"

You shrug, "They had the money to do it. Like I think it was half a million or something. That's a bit much but whatever, their money I guess."

Steve's eyes are wide and you have to laugh. Sometimes you forget that he was born during the Great Depression and he still has moments where he realizes how much inflation has affected currency.

"Breath, Cap. I'm not spending half a million on my twins first birthday party. Hell, I probably won't spend that much for sweet 16 or their 21 birthday." You watch Steve visibly relax at that statement and laugh, "Did you really think I would go THAT crazy?"

"No…" he hesitates slightly, "Okay, I thought maybe you were going to be out there, but half a million, no. That thought never crossed my mind. So, what did you have in mind for their party?"

You open your mouth to respond, but his phone goes off before you can. Steve lets out a sigh seeing the name on the ID, hitting the decline button.

"Is everything okay?" you question, seeing the strained expression.

"Yeah, it's nothing that can't wait. So, you were saying?"

Again before you can answer the phone rings again, and again he rejects the call. Before Steve can even say anything, the phone goes off again.

"I think they are going to keep calling until you answer Steve. Just go." You prompt, tired of hearing the annoying sound.

He lets out a huff, "I'll be right back."

Standing, he leaves the room to answer the phone which you think nothing of since he tends to take phone calls privately, especially if it has to do with work. While he deals with the phone call, you get writing out the guest list. You to know how many people to invite and then figure out how big of a space you'd need for the party.

"Okay, sorry about that."

"No problem. Everything okay?"

He nods, "Yeah, it was nothing important just like I thought. Alright, now, what did you want to do for the kid's party?"

"I was thinking, they love animals. You have seen how they get around any kind of animal."

Steve lets out a big laugh, "Oh yeah! I still think Jamie would have kept that snake Loki conjured up to torture Thor with if you didn't make Loki get rid of it."

You laugh with him, "Yeah. And that is why I don't leave my children with the God of Mischief. Or Thor and Tony cause they would get the twins all the animals they want."

"So, you thinking of doing an animal theme for the party?" he asks.

"Kind of" you answer, "I was kind of thinking about having like a petting zoo for them. It's something that even at a year old I know they would LOVE it!"

Steve's smile grows, "That's a great idea! And I know the perfect place to have it."

"Whe-"

His phone goes off again and Steve lets out a sigh, "Give me a moment…What is it now?"

You can hear him from the kitchen, but since it was probably still work, you block him out not wanting to eavesdrop. Putting your tablet to the side, you turn on the TV and just flip through the channels until Steve gets back. You end up finding one of your favorite movies just coming on and get comfortable.

You get so into the movie, you don't realize that Steve has been gone for awhile. It's not until you hear his voice again as he comes back into the living room that you remember Steve was even there to begin with.

"Just text me from now on today and I'll respond when I can… I told you I'm busy with something else. Okay, bye."

He plops down on the sofa next to you, turning his phone off and tossing it to the table, "I'm so sorry Y/N, I told them not to call today but…"

"Steve, I get it, work is important. Do you have a mission coming up or something?"

He quickly shakes his head, "No, no mission. Well not really, not one that I'm going on. It's more like I've been coordinating and helping from afar. It's been almost a year since this started now that I think about it, it's coming to an end soon. Don't worry about it, I'm not going anywhere. And they aren't going to be calling again today. We can get back to focus on the twin's party."

"I gotta go get the twins from the nursery first. Why don't you order some take out and I'll get the kids? Then we can just hang out and talk over food?"

Steve agrees and goes to grab some of the take out menus you have to figure out what to get. While you are getting your jacket on, something occurs to you,

"Hey Steve?" you call out to him from the entry way.

"Yeah?" he says, stepping into view, "What is it?"

"You said the mission has been going on for almost a year? Is, is this the same mission that Bucky…"

You can't finish your sentence, the words getting caught in your throat.

You fail to notice the way Steve goes stiff, his eyes widening just slightly, "Uh…"

"Forget it," you say dismissively, "I don't think I really want to know. I don't know why I even asked."

With a forced smile, you tell him that you, Jamie, and Becca will be back shortly and for him to just order you anything.

Once the door shuts behind you, Steve collapse against the way with a heavy breath, "Fuck."


	9. Chapter 8

Today is not going to be a good day. You can feel it the moment you open your eyes from a restless sleep. It is just this sense of dread that comes over you, making it nearly impossible for you to get out of bed, even when you hear Becca calling for you. God, how you just want to curl up in bed and sleep to wake up to tomorrow.

You heave out a sigh and drag yourself from the bed, shuffling to the nursery where you see Becca and Jamie standing up in their cribs grinning,

"Mama!" they shout once they see you in the door way.

A smile tugs at your lips but there is a stab to your heart seeing their smiling faces, making you think of…

You shake your head, not allowing your thoughts to go there. You have to focus and make today a good day.

"Well good morning my sleeping beauties. Did you sleep well?"

They giggle and start talking at the same time; you just laugh and nod your head since you can't seem to catch a word they say. They aren't a year old yet, so they don't really talk in full sentences but boy can they ramble on about who knows what. You pick them up, one on each hip, and carry them to the kitchen to put them in their high-chairs and get them some breakfast.

"Here you go, some yummy Cheerios and a banana." You say, putting the food on their trey with some milk.

You know that you should eat something too, but just the thought has your stomach churning with all the emotions bubbling up inside. So you skip food and just grab some Gatorade, hoping it might help settle your stomach. You just sit at the table, watching Becca and Jamie eat while willing yourself to not think about the importance of today.

"Knock Knock, you awake?!"

You laugh, hearing May's voice coming from the front door, "In the kitchen!"

"Good morning to the most adorable twins! And their Mama!"

"Good morning May."

She plops down in front of you with a smile, "Do you feel okay? You only drink Gatorade when you have an upset stomach."

You give a small shrug, keeping your gaze on the table because you know how easily she can read you, "Just an uneasy stomach. The thought of food made it feel iffy."

May reaches across the table and places a gentle hand over yours, "Y/N, I know what today is. I know it's going to be difficult for you."

You give her a hint of a smile, though it's forced, "Yeah…."

"And that's why I'm here."

You give her a confused look, "What do you mean?"

May gives you an almost motherly smile, "I'm going to take the kids for today, give you space and time on your own. I know today is hard for you, I know you well enough to know where your mind is going."

You can feel the tears well up in your eyes, "I- I don't even know why I'm getting so worked up over today. I mean it not even the day, the day I…" the words get stuck in your throat

May stays quiet; letting you work up to saying what you need to say.

"Today marks a year since he left; even after I begged him to stay, he still left to go on that mission. And sometimes it feels like, that day he left." You suck in a deep breath before continuing, "It feels like the day he left, is the day he died. I know it was a couple of months before I heard the truth but, in my mind I had accepted he was gone before Steve even showed up on my door step."

May squeezes your hand in a comforting manner, "You don't know what really happened?

You let out a sigh, "No, I never asked Steve, and he's never offered up the information."

"Then maybe that's what you need. Sit down and talk with Steve, find out what really happened. If you know the truth, then your mind won't keep making up scenarios, each one worse than the one before."

You give a nod, "Yeah, maybe your right. Are you sure you are okay with taking the kids?"

"Of course! I'd never pass up the chance to spend some time with these adorable two."

As if knowing they were being talked about, Jamie and Becca let out a huge cackle making you and May laugh with them. You and May get the twins cleaned up and dressed and then you get a bag together for her to take with everything, plus some, that the twins will need for the day.

Once they have left, you pull out your phone to send a quick message to Steve,

'Hey, if you're free today, can you come over? I need to talk to you about something.'

It's not long before Steve responds 'Yeah, I'll be there in a little bit. Everything okay?'

'Yeah, just need to talk. May has the twins so it'll just be you and me.'

You don't bother changing out of your pajamas, just curl up on the sofa with a blanket and turn the tv on though its more to fill the silence than you actually watching. The dread and tightness in your stomach has only gotten stronger, and the thought of talking to Steve to find out the detail of what happened to Bucky has your heart pounding in your chest. You have to take a few deep breaths, practicing the breathing techniques to help with anxiety. Unconsciously, you mess with the ring that you still haven't taken off even though it's been nearly a year since Bucky has died.

"Y/N? Where are you?" Steve's voice calls out breaking you of your thoughts.

"Living room!" you shout back at him.

You force a small smile when he walks into and you can't help but notice the worry on his face.

"Hey, what's up? Is everything okay? What'd you need to talk about?"

He sits next to you and the sofa, his blue eyes full of concern for you, but just having Steve here with you, you feel yourself calm down slightly. At least enough to be sure you can get through this conversation with him.

"I wanted to ask you about, about Bucky and… and what happened."

Steve's eyes widen, and his body tenses up, "What do you mean?"

"I want to know, when and how he died." God you never thought you'd ever utter those words.

"What the hell brought this on Y/N? Why would you want to know something like that?"

To say you are shocked at his outburst would be an understatement. You can't understand why he would be acting like this, isn't it a rational thing to want to know how your husband died? Yes, it might be delayed but you got there eventually. Most would consider it odder if you didn't want to know.

"Steve, Bucky is my husband. I have the right to know how he died. I should have asked soon but I just, I couldn't work up the courage to know before now."

He jumps up, pacing the living room, "Then why ask now? Why want to know at all?! There are just some things you shouldn't know Y/N, and this is one of them."

"Steve! I'm not asking for details on the mission, I know I'm not allowed that information nor am I asking for every single bloody and gory detail. But for God's sake, this is my husband we are talking about. What do you mean I shouldn't know what happened to him? I have that right to know."

Steve adamantly shakes his head, refusing to back down, "No, I won't tell you. I can't tell you Y/N. And try to go anyone else, I'll order them to not tell you either. This is for the best."

You stand up, hands on your hips glaring at him, "You are being a right asshole right now Steven. And don't you dare try and tell me what's for the best. You are keeping something from me, hiding it, and I deserve to know what the fuck happened to my husband! I didn't even have a damn body to bury Steve! Do you understand that? There was nothing of Bucky for me to say good-bye too! I had to bury an empty casket! Do you realize the things I imagined after that? It's part of the reason why I've waited so long to ask. But it's been a year today since Bucky walked out that door and never came home. I should know why!"

Steve deflates, "I'm sorry, Y/N, but I just can't tell you. I just can't"

He doesn't say anything else just turns and rushes out of the house leaving you pissed off and fuming.

Oh yeah, he is definitely hiding something big from you and by damn, you are going to figure out what the fuck it is.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking so long to update! I was having a little trouble putting together all the pieces that I had worked on and making it flow! 
> 
> Happy Reading!

It has been a little tense between you and Steve since the day he stormed out of your place. But you manage to keep things cordial with little to no hostility between you, only for the sake of Jamie and Becca's birthday party. You weren't going to let anything ruin their first birthday, but because you are still pissed at him, you limit your interaction with him.

"Y/N, come on please, talk to me about something, anything, other than the party."

You give him a quick glance out of the corner of your eye, "Are you going to tell me what you're hiding from me?"

Steve lets out a long groan, his head falling to the table, "Y/N," he whines, "I can't. I told you, I just can't. There is stuff that you just can't know right now."

You don't bother responding, just purse your lips and cross your arms, glaring at the super soldier.

Steve throws his hands up, "Ugh! Fine, be stubborn. I'm going to head home, everything is ready for the party, I'll see you tomorrow to start setting up, Tony said the animals will arrive about 10 and he has someone who will help organize them, we just have to worry about everything else."

You give him a nod, "I will see you bright and early then Captain. May has offered for her and Peter to watch the twins for me, Then an hour before the party, she will bring the twins to the compound and help me get them ready."

Steve nods, "Okay, good. I'll see you tomorrow then."

He stands there for a moment, just looking at you like there is more he wants to say but decides against it. With a shake of his head, Steve turns and leaves you alone.

You let out a groan, flopping back. You hate acting like this, but you feel like you don't have any other option if you want to get answers from him. Begging didn't seem to work, a full cold shoulder/silent treatment didn't work. So you are left with distancing yourself from him, because you cannot put as much in if he isn't going to reciprocate and contribute just as much.

When you wake up the next morning, something just doesn't feel right to you. You feel all out of whack and just not yourself. There is this feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was wrong, something was off and you can't put your finger on it. Intuition tells you that today is not going to go the way you want it to, but you have to try just so Becca and Jamie will enjoy their party.

You force yourself out of bed, dressing in a simple pair of leggings and baggy shirt so you can be comfortable, but pack a change of clothes and make up to put on before the party. May and Peter show up just as you are finishing up breakfast and May wastes no time kicking you out of your own house so that she can spoil the kids.

You get to the compound and find people already at work putting up decorations and organizing the animals and games. You look around astonished at how much has been done in such a short amount of time.

Finding Steve in the center of it all, and directing people on where to put the stuff,

"Steve! What is all of this? I thought we were going to be doing the decorating?"

He turns to you with a smile, "Last minute decision. I was going to tell you but got sidetracked. I figured this would be easier and give you a chance to spend more time focusing on Becca and Jamie. Sorry I didn't call you sooner, I kind of wanted this to be a surprise for you too."

Your heart just melts at his sweet gesture, "Thank you Steve. This means a lot, really."

He shyly looks at the ground, and you notice a slight pink tint to his cheeks, "I'm glad you're not mad I did this without telling you. Does everything look okay?"

"Are you kidding?! It looks amazing! Thank you."

You tackle him in a hug, throwing your arms around his neck. Steve is a little hesitant but wraps his arms around your waist, picking your feet up off the ground. When he sets you down, he holds you by the waist, "So, am I forgiven? Will you take to me now?"

You take a deep breath, rolling your eyes at the blond soldier, clicking your tongue, "Fine, for today you are forgiven. I can't make the same promise for tomorrow, but for today, yes. Now come on, let's get this finished up before it's time for guests to arrive."

With the help of the decorators, everything is set up in record time, including the games and animals. Everything is toddler and kid friendly, even some things there for the adults to have fun along with the kids. Not over the top, but perfect for a first birthday and a day for you to remember.

You had to head home early to help May with the twins, they didn't want to get ready without Mama, and so it was Mama to the rescue.

"Come on, don't fight Mama, I have a surprise for you. Something very special, and lots of people. " You say softly to Becca trying to get her into her little outfit.

This has her perking up hearing, making an excited "OH" sound. Yeah, she is your social butterfly and knows when it is time to see other people.

"Yeah, you and Jamie get a big surprise that all your Aunts and Uncles helped put together. So we need to get dressed and hurry up if we want to get there in time."

Becca stops fighting and tries to help get her clothes on. Jamie was already dressed and playing with Peter just waiting for you and his sister.

"Okay! All done! Let's go!"

The five of you rush to your car and pile in and head straight to the compound. Peter sitting in the back of the car to keep the kids occupied during the ride.

The whole drive over, you can feel your anxiety rising and you don't know why. You are not worried about the party or having something go wrong. No this is a different type of anxious. This is an anxious of your gut trying to warn you of something.

"Y/N, what's wrong? You are gripping the steering wheel so hard I'm worried you might break it. Is something wrong?" May asks, clearly concerned for you.

You give a slight shake of your head, "No, I don't think so. I don't know. I woke up with this feeling like something was off and now I just have this feeling like something is going to happen. I'm just anxious and I don't know what is wrong."

She reaches over and places a hand on top of yours, "Just breath. Whatever it is, good or bad, remember you have Peter and I here with you. We will make sure you and the twins are alright."

You can't bring yourself to respond, just give a nod of your head and stare straight ahead.

Finally the Avengers Compound comes into view, and you see Wanda and Natasha standing there waiting for you. You notice that they have a strange look on their faces, a look that is a visual representation on how you are currently feeling.

As soon as you stop, you are out of the car and rushing to them, "What is it? What's wrong? Something is wrong, I just feel it, what is it?"

Wanda takes your hands in yours, "Y/N breath. Nothing is wrong, per-say…"

"But it might not be that good either. Depends on how you want to look at it." Natasha finishes.

"What?" You are beyond confused at this point.

May and Peter have joined you, each holding a baby,

"Is something going on?" Peter questions, bouncing Jamie on his hip.

Natasha takes a deep breath, "I just want you to know that we had no idea, we were left completely in the dark."

"What are you talking about?" you shout, tired of their riddles.

Wanda and Natasha share a look, before Wanda speaks up,

"Bucky is here."


	11. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the moment you've ALL been waiting for.... hehehehe

You feel your legs start to go weak, clutching onto Wanda, "W-what do you mean Bucky's here? Y-you mean, mean like, his body? You found his body?"

Slowly Wanda shakes her head, "No, Y/N, we mean Bucky is here. Alive."

You legs give out, and if not for Wanda and Peter, you would have hit the ground.

"No, this is a sick, sick joke! Bucky is dead, he, he can't be here!"

"Apparently, there is a lot none of us were told." Natasha explains gently, trying to convey to you just how much of a shock this is for them as well.

You break away from Peter and Wanda, sniffling, "Where is he?"

Natasha and Wanda glance at each other, before answering, "He and Steve are in the communal area."

You nod, turning to May and Peter, "Please take the kids so they can enjoy the party. I'll join you shortly."

May reaches for you, "Do you want one of us with you?"

"No," you say shaking your head, "I think I want to see him on my own."

You give Becca and Jamie a kiss on the head, "Go have fun with Aunty May, Mommy will see you in a minute."

Natasha takes you by the arm, "I'll walk you up, Tony has changed some things around since you were last here."

"Why?"

She rolls her eyes, "Why does he do anything he does?"

"Good point."

Wanda guilds May and Peter to the party while you and Natasha enter the compound.

In the elevator, Natasha turns to you, "I want you to know, we had NO idea he was alive until he showed up here, after that mission I was sure he was dead, especially since we never found a body. And when he showed up,"

"Natasha," you cut her off, "I get it. It's okay, I believe you. I would hope that if there had been a chance of Bucky still being alive someone would have told me, especially Steve."

A look of doubt crosses Natasha's face so fast you just manage to catch it before she is back to her blank expression,

"Natasha, what is it?" you press, "And don't say nothing, I know you better than that."

She takes a breath and hits the stop button on the elevator with just one floor left, "It might be nothing, and I might just be reading into things too much," she trails off, as though trying to find her words.

"But,"

"Something just felt off with Steve when Bucky showed up. I can't put my finger on it, but there was just something in his demeanor that was weird to me."

Your heart drops, "Do you think he might have known that Bucky was alive and didn't say anything?"

"I don't know. I know he has been working on something lately that has been so top secret only he and Fury know about it. I think maybe it was to find Bucky's body and,"

"And ended up finding him alive? Then why not say anything?"

She shrugs, "Maybe he didn't want to get your hopes up incase nothing good came about his efforts?"

You bite your lip, nodding. That does sound like something Steve would do. But what if that wasn't the reason? What if there is more going on than either of them is letting on? Could Bucky have been alive this whole time? Then why not come home sooner?

"Hey," Natasha says, breaking you of your anxiety inducing thoughts, "I didn't tell you this to make you upset. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, I'm glad you did. I don't want to go in there with rose tinted glasses, and pretend everything is perfect. I woke up this morning feeling like something was off, call it a sixth sense, but I'm never wrong. I'm glad you are having the same feeling because I know to trust your intuition just as I trust my own."

She nods, understanding, "Okay, just listen to what they have to say. You're no fool, you're no push over. You'll know if they are telling the truth or not."

She starts the elevator back up and you brace yourself for what you will be walking into. Wanting, needing to remain calm and level headed. But the moment those elevator doors open, and seeing Bucky standing in front, smiling of you for the first time in nearly year, your resolve quickly crumbles.

"Bucky!"

You charge at him, flinging yourself in to his arms with a cry. You cling to him with everything you have, burying your head against his neck as you let the tears flow.

"Oh god Doll, I've missed you so bad." His voice gruff and you know he is holding back his own tears.

One of Bucky's arms goes around your waist as the other tangles in your hair to hold you as close to him as physically possible. You both forget about Steve and Natasha being in the room with you, neither of them mattered in the moment.

Bucky's lips lightly run along your shoulder, up your neck and over the side of your face. Any place Bucky could reach, he places a kiss. You turn your head just enough to meet his lips in a sweet, loving kiss. Your hand slide around to cup his face, breaking the kiss to look Bucky in the eyes,

The next thing he knows you are slapping him hard on the face, hard enough to turn his head,

"Ow!"

"Y/N"

"Good hit. Lessons have really paid off."

Bucky holds his cheek, lifting his head up, "What was that for?"

You narrow your eyes at him, giving him the perfect 'mom' look, "James Barnes where the hell were you? I've been waiting 10 months for you, thinking you were dead,"

"Actually, it would be 11, I um, I was too scared to tell you sooner." Steve interjects, but steps back when your glare is turned to him,

"Shut up Punk. Look, Y/N it's a little complicated. A lot of things happened, and it made it very difficult for me to get home to you." He calmly explains, vaguely, trying to give an answer without actually answering.

"And what about you being dead, huh? How are you suddenly not dead and here?"

"Uh, well, the thing is…" He starts, glancing over at Steve for help,

"Bucky had been declared KIA, and all efforts to find the body had been called off shortly thereafter because we needed the man power elsewhere. I never gave up looking for him because I knew you needed the closure."

There was something in his answer, something that was too rehearsed and still not giving a straight answer.

"You're lying."

Bucky and Steve both go wide eyed, trying to deny it,

"No, we're not we're,"

"Then you are not being totally honest with me then." You say in a cold voice, cutting off their rambling. "I want to know what the hell is going on."

They both go quiet, having a silent conversation with each other that only manages to tick you off more.

"Well, is anyone going to say something or not?" you ask impatiently, arms crossed.

"It's not that simple." Bucky tries to argue, reaching for you.

You step away from him, shaking your head, "Fine, then I'll make it simple. I'm leaving."

"Y/N…" Bucky pleads, taking a step closer to you once more.

"No, I'm not doing this. I'm not dealing with this bullshit today of all days. Today is my kid's birthday; I am not going to spend it in here with you two. I am going to go enjoy the party and you two are going to stay in here and try to work out a story to tell that won't piss me off even more."

"Doll…"

"Don't call me that. I'm not your Doll; not right now, and not until you properly explain yourself."

Bucky groans, tugging at his hair, "It's not that simple Doll. It's a long story and…"

"You conned me into thinking you were dead for 11 months, I have time to listen. Just not right now. My children come first."

With that you turn on your heel, grabbing Natasha, who had been a silent bystander this whole time, and leave Bucky and Steve alone in the communal area to go join Jamie, Becca and all your friends and family.


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is a little longer to make up for the long wait. I hope you enjoy!

You all but run from the room as it really hits you that Bucky really alive; it was truly him in that room. You were able to really touch him and hug him. The more the reality of everything started to sink in, the harder it became for you to breathe.

"Y/N! Y/N slow down!" Natasha jerks you to a stop before you are able to make it outside, "what is wrong? God, you are shaking. Breathe, Y/N, come on, breathe with me now. Take a deep breath, that's it, and hold it. 1, 2, 3, and slowly exhale. That's good. Again."

Natasha calmly talks you down from the panic attack, giving you the time you need to mostly recover.

"Are you okay now? What happened?"

"It's really him. Bucky is really alive. I touched him, I spoke to him. He's real, he's alive Nat, he's really alive."

Natasha, for once in her life, doesn't know what to say, all she is able to do is wrap her arms around you and try to comfort you to the best of her abilities.

"Do you want to go back in there with him?"

You shake your head, "No, no. I can't, I need to go be with Jamie and Becca. I need to focus on them, today is there day. Plus, I don't think I could handle being in there any longer than I was. I just came to terms that my husband was dead, now I need time to accept the fact that he is actually alive."

Natasha nods, "Okay. Then let's go celebrate your two adorable babies."

You and Natasha head out, joining in on the party.

"Wow, this is a bit more than I was expecting."

"Yeah, Tony went all out with the animals and games. Thankfully Pepper reeled him in before he could really go overboard. Tony had a touch of baby fever and I think he thought this would be a good way to show Pepper that he is ready for kids."

You give her a look of disbelief, "This proves he could afford to adopt half of New York… wait don't tell him that he might try. But if he really wants to show Pepper he is ready for kids, I'll let him babysit for a weekend and see how he does."

Natasha snorts out a laugh, "Oh I am so going to be there to see that."

"Like I'd leave my kids with Tony without you or anyone else with him. Now come on, I want to go find my babies."

You are able to quickly find May and Peter with Jamie and Becca who are having the time of their lives with all of the animals. May gives you a worried look when you join them, but you just shake your head, silently letting her know you will explain later. And she leaves it at that.

The rest of the party goes off without a hitch. The twins enjoy every second, playing with the animals and friends. Scott was a big hit with the party crowd, making animal balloons and helping with face painting. Tony had paid for some stands with games and small prizes, and even had a few competitions for the slightly older kids. It was a bit more than you originally planned for, but you would not change a single thing.

There was a mountain of gifts for the twin and they tear into each one without any prompting, Jamie seemed to have more fun with the paper, but Becca wanted to get right to the toys and pretty clothes. Then when it was time for the cake, and this is where you did got a bit overboard and had hired Duff Goldman to make the cake, which was amazing. Duff even made two personal cakes for Jamie and Becca that had been personalized just for them. And they quite literally shoved their faces into the cake.

Everyone has so much fun that the party ends up going far longer than it was meant to; it isn't until after dark when the party started to break up and people left.

May comes up to you as you finish up wiping the kids down, "Hey, you need me to take them home for you? Maybe keep them overnight to give you and you know who a chance to talk?"

You smile at her, "Actually, Tony is keeping the twin for the weekend. Well, actually Natasha and Wanda will be watching them, Tony is going to attempt to. I'm giving him 4 hours before he breaks down not knowing what to do."

May laughs, "I'd pay to see that man try and take care of Jamie and Becca. So are you okay then would you be okay if Peter and I take off? I think if Peter stays here any longer, I'll never get him home."

"Oh yeah, I think he might be more excited about being at the Avenger's compound than the kids were about their party."

You share a laugh, glancing over at Peter who is excitedly talking to Vision about, who knows what. But suddenly, May gets serious again,

"But what about you and…"

"Bucky? May, you can say his name. And I don't know. I think I'm still in shock that he is alive. I told Natasha that I had finally come around to the idea that he was gone, but now he's back I need to get used to that. Then there is the fact that they are hiding something from me."

"Hiding? Like, physically there is something hidden, or more a secret being kept?"

You think for a moment, "Well, definitely a secret, but I don't know if they could physically be hiding something. I guess it really doesn't matter, I just want a truthful explanation about what happened. I want to know how Bucky is still alive and what took him so long to come home."

May nods, "Just make sure you listen to everything they have to say even if it's not what you want to hear."

"I'll try."

You give May a hug, making plans to get together the next week to talk, then start laughing as she has to drag Peter kicking and screaming from the Avengers compound.

The smile falls as you let out a sigh, glancing up at the compound where you left Bucky and Steve.

"You know, standing here look at the building isn't going to get you the answers you want any faster."

The gentle voice of Sam Wilson comes from beside you. You give him a small smile, facing him,

"I know, but I'm scared of what I might find out. Anything you know that you want to warn me about?"

He shakes his head, "It's for them to tell. But I just want you to know I knew nothing before today when Bucky showed up. I got some answers, but I think it would be better for you to hear from them."

"See, that doesn't make me feel better. Also doesn't have racing up there to hear them out, if anything, makes me want to drag my feet and waste more time."

"Y/N, go. It is easier to rip the band-aid off in one go that drawing it out. It will hurt either way."

"Still not helpful Sam. But fine, I'm going. Don't let Tony put my kids in an Iron Man suit, don't go flying with them, and don't go trying to find any type of loopholes."

"Dang, just have to ruin all the fun Mom."

You give him a pointed look before trudging away up to the tower.

"FRIDAY, where are Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes?"

"They are in Captain Roger's room Y/N." the AI responds soothingly.

"Thank you FRIDAY." you say, heading off in the direction of Steve's room.

And with each step you brace yourself for the worse of what they might have to say. There is not a single positive scenario that goes through your head. You also reply every moment with Steve where he would avoid talking about Bucky, the odd phone calls of late, his strange behavior in general. It has you questioning if maybe he knew about Bucky being alive, so why wouldn't he tell you or help Bucky get home sooner? Great, more questions.

You stop in front of Steve's door and take in a deep breath, letting it out slowly before knocking.

As if anticipating your arrival, the door swings open to reveal a distressed looking Steve, "Y/N, how was the party? Did, did the twins have fun?"

You feel a twinge of guilt for not allowing Steve to come to the party, but it was for the best that he wasn't there.

"Yeah, they had a blast. FRIDAY has photos and recording for you to see later. So, uh, ready to talk?"

He nods, stepping to the side to let you in. Once in the room, you find Bucky on the sofa with his head in his hands, but the moment he hears you enter the room his head jerks up,

"Y/N" your name a whisper on his lips,

"Hi Bucky."

You feel the emotions bubbling up once more seeing him, but you try to keep yourself under control. If you let your emotions take over then you will never get the answers you are looking for.

You move to sit beside him while Steve remains standing, leaning against the wall.

The room remains silent for a few minutes, as you each glance around trying to figure out who is going to speak first. Finally, you get tired of the silence,

"Okay, Bucky, you have my full attention. I'm not going anywhere. And I want the truth, the full truth."

Bucky inhales slowly, "Okay. Well I guess the simplest explanation would be to say I faked my death."

You sit there looking at him, waiting for him to continue, but he only watches you for some kind of reaction. But when you say nothing he keeps going,

"And the reason I had to fake my death was because of you."

Rapidly blinking, your jaw clench shut as you hiss out a "what?"

He clears his throat, "I uh, I couldn't stay with you so I used the cover of a mission to fake my death."

You jump up, arms flinging around, "What the fuck do you mean?! You couldn't be with me?! Then be a fucking man and TELL ME!"

You glare over at Steve,

"You knew didn't you?" you accuse Steve with a growl.

But before he can respond, you let out a scoff, "Of course you fucking knew, why wouldn't you?! If you didn't know you would have been WAY more surprised than you are pretending to be! You probably fucking helped him! Was if all a joke to you?"

Steve can't seem to bring himself to look me in the eyes, staring away in shame and tells you all that you needed to know.

"Did the others know to? Damn it Steve! I mourned for that man every day for the last year and you watched me. You watched me mourn and stuff and never once did you tell me the truth!"

"Y/N I'm…"

"NO!" I scream out, "don't you DARE say you're sorry! You knew exactly what you were doing this whole time! You watched me cry and scream, held me and comforted me! And not once did you tell me that Bucky was still alive!"

"Doll stop it! It wasn't Steve's fault, I asked him not to tell you." Bucky finally steps in, trying to get me to calm down and stop yelling at Steve.

But he just makes it all worse.

"That's the fucking problem! He could have done the right fucking thing and TOLD ME! But NO! He had to listen to your dumbass because you're Bucky and when Bucky is involved the right thing goes out the window!"

"If you would just listen…"

You shake your head, holding up a hand to cut him off, "No, I'm done listening, there is nothing more that needs to be said. What else could you say to try and justify the fact that you faked your own death just so you could get away from me? No. I, I don't need to hear any more. I'm done, I'm getting my children and I'm out of here. Don't contact me, don't come to the house, nothing, just leave me alone. You'll be lucky if I don't ask Tony to help me get in touch with a lawyer to file for divorce."

You try to storm out of the room, but Bucky stops you with his next confession.

Bucky runs a hand through his hair with an exasperated sigh, "Technically, we are already divorced."

Your blood runs cold at his second confession head snapping around to Buck with wide eyes, "What?"


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the last update for a little while. I'm taking a hiatus until I get to see Endgame, to avoid spoilers. So, I hope you all enjoy!!

Bucky clams up seeing the pissed off look on your face, "Uh…"

"James Buchanan Barnes! What the fuck do you mean we are already divorced?! What because you were "dead" that automatically means we are no longer married? I think that is null and void since you faked your death."

Bucky slowly shakes his head, "No Do- Y/N, we were divorced before I was declared KIA."

You feel your chest tighten, making it difficult for you to breathe, "W-what? When… Those papers. You had me sign something before you left, saying they were for SHIELD's files but wouldn't explain what. Those, those were divorce papers? You divorced me before you left for the mission?"

Maybe it's because of everything else that has been thrown at you today, but at this point you just feel numb. You can't find it in you to be mad or upset; even saying the words out loud don't seem to register with you to bring out a reaction.

"Y/N?" Steve softly speaks, placing a hand on your shoulder.

You glance between the two of them and just shake your head, "Well then, I guess you have everything you want. You are a free man,"

With a shaky hand you remove your engagement ring and wedding band for the first time since they were placed on your fingers.

"Doll, don't. I- it's not like you think and… Doll please."

Bucky's voice cracks as you place the rings in his hands, "Good-Bye Bucky. Have a nice life."

Bucky and Steve are left speechless by your actions, giving you the chance to leave without any farther argument. Bucky just stands there staring at his hand and your rings, and never had something so small felt so heavy.

"Bucky…" Steve starts, being the first to come out of his stupor.

"She, she gave me her rings? She swore she'd never take them off, never. And, she just gave them to me." Bucky chokes out.

Steve sighs, placing a hand on Bucky's shoulder, "I'm sorry Pal. But I told you it was a bad idea."

This gets a real reaction from Bucky. He clenches his fists, making the diamond of the engagement ring dig into his palm, and glares at Steve.

"And yet you still let me go through with it! You still helped me! If you were so damn against the idea then why not actually stop me?! Why not tell her everything from the start?! You played as much of a role in this as I did!"

"I know."

Bucky growls in frustration, "I'm not letting her get away, she needs to listen to me!"

Steve shrugs, "Then I suggest you move fast if you want to catch her pal."

"Shit."

Bucky pushes Steve to the side, running out the door.

You just step off the elevator when Bucky comes flying out from the stair way and practically tackles you, "Y/N Barnes you are going to listen to me!"

"James! What the hell are you doing?! Let go of me."

You struggle to get out of his hold, but he doesn't let go thought he is sure that he doesn't hurt you,

"No, I'm not letting you go until you listen to everything I have to say."

You huff, "I'm sure you said everything you needed to once you told me that you tricked me into divorcing you and then faking your death!"

You out bursts grabs the attention of the few remaining in the building. They all turn to start at you, and instantly begin to whisper among themselves. Bucky grunts, rolling his eyes,

"Fine, if you are going to be difficult about this,"

He tosses you over his shoulder and carries you off to his designated room at the tower,

"Friday, no one comes in or leaves until I get the okay."

"Yes Sergeant Barnes." replies the AI.

You roll your eyes, crossing your arms, "You're a traitor Friday."

"I believe you'd like to hear what Sergeant Barnes has to say Mrs. Barnes."

You huff, "still a traitor."

"Y/N, will you please let me explain? I know you still aren't going to be happy with me, but might understand more if you hear everything. I get it, it was very, very stupid what I did, and I REALLY should have gone about things better. But I worked with what I had at the time, and I did what I thought I had too."

You don't say anything, just glare at him with a raised brow. He lets out a sigh, moving over to sit on the sofa,

"Okay, silent treatment, I can handle that I guess. I deserve it. But please sit and let me talk. Once I get everything out, you can walk out that door and never see me again if you want."

You bite your tongue, holding back a sarcastic remark. You sit as far away from him as possible, causing him let out another sign,

"I guess I deserve the too. Okay, so I guess I should just start explaining then. Where to start…?"

"Um, I guess the best place to start would actually be before I left for the mission. First I want you to know that all of this took place before you found out you were pregnant. But the catalyst of my horrible decision planning was when you found out you were pregnant with twins. That make it all sound worse, but it's the truth."

You give a slight nod, not sure how you feel about knowing he made a decision to leave you after finding out about Beca and Jamie. He's right, it really does make it sound worse.

Bucky clears his throat, rubbing his hands on his legs, as he begins his explanation.

"As you know, there are still HYDRA cells out there that we've been taking out one by one when they come up on our radar. There was one group, the top of HYDRA, the best they had to offer, and when SHIELD fell, they went into hiding. Whenever we' get a hint of their location, they'd go missing and nothing. We tried everything to hunt them down, and nothing worked. Until finally, someone slipped up and managed to get on our radar, but it turned out it wasn't someone in HYDRA."

"He was some lowly member of an arms dealer gang. No one of major significance, at least that's what we thought at first. Turned out, he had connections to a member of the hidden cell. He knew things."

You move a little closer, "Okay, but that still isn't explaining why you had to divorce me, and fake your death."

"Yeah, I'm getting to that. Like I said, this started before we found out about you being pregnant, and because of that, I had already volunteered for the mission. I wanted to take these men down, I wanted to get to HYDRA and take them down. I'll admit, that is all I was focused on and that's probably why I was not thinking right."

"Understatement. But what was the mission?"

"I had to go undercover, like deep cover. I was to infiltrate the gang, gain their trust, namely the one with the intel on HYDRA. And then work to dismantle them from the inside. There were a few other agents selected to help me. But in order for me to infiltrate the gang, Bucky Barnes had to die. I had to become someone different, a new life. And that meant no family, no children, no wife."

You suck in a harsh breath, feeling your anger rising again, "You did this to us for a mission?" you hiss out between gritted teeth, "you still went through with it even though you knew what you would be leaving behind?!"

Bucky lows his head in shame, "Yeah, because I knew that in the end, it would be for the best. HYDRA would be gone; their leaders would be taken out, the top agents gone. And even an illegal arms gang would be captured."

His reasoning only has you shaking your head, "The ends does not justify the means Bucky."

"I know, Y/N, I know. Trust me, I had a year to regret leaving you, leaving the twins."

"I'm going to hate myself for asking, but how did you pull it off? Who all knew?"

"Just Steve and the three other agents who went in with me. They were unknown, they didn't have the name and reputation I have, so they getting into the gang was easier. When I first volunteered, everyone knew. But then you got pregnant and it was decided that I would not go in and someone else would take my place. I couldn't let that happen. I had a shot at HYDRA and I had to take it. I begged Steve to let me still go, and finally he caved and agreed."

"So?"

"So, we planned. Without consulting the team, just the two of us and the three other agents. We would meet in private and figure out how to proceed. It wasn't until we found out about the twins did we have solid plan, a plan that took too long to put in place."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I wasn't supposed to leave when I did; I was supposed to leave 4 months earlier. They hope was I would be back in time to be with you when you gave birth."

"Then why divorce me? If you were going to come back and be with me, why divorce me?"

He runs a hand over his hair, noticing for the first time just how short it really it, being a fraction too long to be considered a buzz cut.

"That's when things got complicated and we realized I wouldn't be able to get in having ties here. Anything, the smallest hint of a former life could blow my cover. Having a grieving wife is one thing, having an ex-wife is another. A grieving wife means that you would be leverage for them to use against me, an ex-wife means that ties are cut and no loved lost. I needed it to appear like we meant nothing to each other, and that if my cover was blown, they wouldn't try to come after you, or worse try to come after the kids."

You let his words sink in, forcing yourself to look at this all from a different angle than as the abandoned wife. And you hate to admit it, but he's reasoning makes since. You might not be in the same line of work as Bucky, but you know enough to realize that family is always used as leverage and always the first one threatened. And divorce usually means bad blood, so why would they try to go after someone who is not viewed as important.

"Why not just tell me this from the beginning?" you ask in an even tone, the anger slowly deflating.

"Because I know you would have tried to talk me out of it."

"Damn right I would have! Bucky, I know you want to take HYDRA down. Hell, I want them all dead for what they did to you, but what you did was so selfish. You say you did all of this for the greater good, but really you did this for yourself. You did this as a way to get your revenge on them, and I can't fully blame you, but there HAD to of been a better way. If you had just taken the time, thought about it more, then we wouldn't be here right now. You would not have missed 11 months of your children's lives. You would not have had to fake your death, con me into signing divorce papers. You would not have broken all of your promises to me; breaking my heart, breaking my trust, and shattering my love."

You stand up, wiping your eyes of the tears that are trying to fall. You have cried enough, you do not want to cry for him anymore, and especially after all that you have learned.

"Y/N?" he chokes out, his own emotions getting the better of him.

You shake your head, "Is that all? Because I don't think I want to know anymore. I need to get out of here. Natasha and Wanda are watching the twins, if you want to go see them I won't stop you. Even though you abandoned them, I will not keep them from their father. Once I have time to think and wrap my head around all of this, we will talk to figure out visitation if that is something you want."

Bucky nods, "Yeah, okay. Friday, let Y/N out. We've said enough for tonight."

"Yes Mr. Barnes." Friday responds and the door lock clicks open.

You place your hand on the door knob and hesitate. There is something telling you to turn and look at him, but you just can't. Because you know if you do you will want to go to him and you just will not allow yourself to give in.

"Y/N, I know you don't want to hear it, but, I do still love you. I never stopped. I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, because I don't think I deserve it, but I do ask that maybe you could not hate me too much."

Your head falls against the door, biting your tongue. You want to tell him that you don't hate him, but right now, you do not know if that would be the truth or not. All you can manage is a weak,

"I'll try."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated!


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